Engaged & Unkissed: How we navigated our dating relationship WITHOUT kissing.
Yes, you read that right! Craig and I dated for over a year, stayed engaged for another year and not once did we kiss each other during that time frame! And on top of that our entire dating and engagement relationship was LONG DISTANCE! I know - you probably already think we are both crazy and out of our minds. So what's the deal? Why would we choose to conduct our relationship in what today's society would categorize as "radical"?
First, let me start by saying that the purpose of this blog is not to convince you that refraining from kissing is the golden standard for Christian dating. This is a blog post about how our personal convictions from Holy Spirit led us to conduct our dating relationship, the meaningful lessons we learned from it, and the unique bond that we have as a result of it! So take from this post whatever helps you pursue your current or future relationship in a way that allows you to grow closer to God!
Craig and I were not virgins prior to dating one another. We both entertained relationships in which kissing was a perfectly normal way to express our feelings towards our significant other. But The Transparent Truth is: in all of my relationships, kissing always went further than I wanted it to. Many of you know that prior to getting married I was celibate for 8 years; but it took a while before I truly understood what it would take to fully protect the purity of my body AND my mind.
In my opinion, the romantic kiss has two main roles:
1. an expression of love, and
2. an expression of sexual desire (aka foreplay).
Don't run away - we are still rated PG-13 here (your teenagers need to understand this sooner rather than later). Foreplay literally means: "sexual activity that precedes intercourse." Foreplay doesn't necessarily have to be crazy or extra freaky stuff. Just think, how often does a simple kiss lead to loads of romantic fun? If we asked some of our friends and fellow married couples, I'm sure the answer is quite often.
Knowing this, in my personal reflection I had to ask myself - what was my intention when I would engage in kissing in my prior relationships? Was I trying to express my love for him? Or was I simply acting on the lust in my heart and expressing sexual desire? Well, considering that in all of those relationships I was kissing before either of us said anything about love, I have to conclude that kissing was actually an act of lust. And maybe that’s why little pecks on the lips would often evolve into a full blown make out session if we were in the right place, at the right time. It was in those moments, that kissing became a catalyst to a level of physical intimacy that reached far beyond my convictions. Even though I wasn't having sex, in my heart I was entertaining the lust of my flesh - I was in sin.
“But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning”
Before I started dating CJ, the idea of being in a relationship in which my first kiss would be on my wedding day always seemed like a really cool, impossible fantasy. Yet it was a fantasy I hadn't quite given up on yet. I told CJ while we were still in an intentional friendship, that in my next relationship I do not want to kiss until I'm married. I didn't really know what type of response I would get from him, but I surely did not expect him to say what he said - a simple enthusiastic reply: "ME TOO!". Honestly, I didn't believe him. But to my surprise he proved me very wrong and was often the one reminding me to keep my distance!
Now, on to what you're really here for: the pros and the cons of a kissless dating relationship.
PROS
Protecting our Purity: The obvious positive of not kissing was that it made it much easier to protect our purity. For us, celibacy was more than just committing to abstaining from sex, but also keeping our thoughts from entertaining the idea of sexual intercourse with one another. We wanted our minds to be pure just as much as our bodies.
Through honest reflection of my past relationships, I know that kissing ultimately allowed my mind to entertain lustful thoughts and prompted my actions to follow. I had to keep it real with myself. I could not handle kissing as a part of a romantic relationship. My desire to commit myself to obedience through faith in Jesus required a radical change in the way I pursued relationships. And that's just me! Others may not need that type of restriction. However for me personally, not kissing CJ only benefited me and held me accountable to my commitment to Jesus.
Does this mean that neither of us ever had a single lustful thought about each other before we got married? Absolutely not. I know I did. But it would have been much easier to act on those thoughts without this boundary. Our “no kissing” policy allowed me to check the condition of my heart, and love CJ as my brother in Christ while I waited for the honor to love him as his bride.
Clear(er) Communication: The remainder of the pros can be summed up into one huge positive outcome: an increase in the quality and quantity of our communication. Because we did not engage in kissing or any physical intimacy beyond kissing, we became really good at finding other ways to express how we feel towards one another with our words.
Sounds like a no-brainer, but communication is a major hurdle for most couples. Instead of kissing CJ to let him know that I love him, or that I have forgiven him, or that I appreciate him, or that I think he is attractive, or to ward him off for getting on my nerves -- I had to figure out how to verbally tell CJ all of these things, and he had to do the same! Compile that with being in a long distance relationship/engagement and you get two people who just can't shut up (LOL)!
Communication is still our life line even now in marriage. CJ and I have talked EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. since January of 2017. It has opened us up and allowed us to connect mentally and spiritually. I can talk to CJ about anything, no matter how difficult or frustrating. All of our emotions, thoughts, feelings, and ideas can be put on the table and discussed until we reach a conclusion or solution - even if it gets ugly in the process.
CONS
Limiting our affection: First and foremost, we obviously didn’t get to express affection towards each other in the way that we would have liked to. For CJ, it was challenging for him to show me affection in other ways and it became a topic of contention for us throughout our relationship. At some point, we came up with an alternative to kissing - a gesture we like to call "nosing" (Rubbing our noses gently together)! This gesture is simple, sweet, and safe. It was effective for expressing our love, and it did not light up the feelings of fire and desire that we wanted to save for our marriage. We actually still do this sometimes!
No Test Runs: I had no idea if CJ was a good kisser until our wedding day. Thankfully, he actually is a good kisser! But even if he wasn’t, we have a lifetime to TALK ABOUT IT and work it all out. I honestly didn’t worry about his kissing skills white waiting for marriage because no one is born good at kissing, and no two people kiss the same. CJ and I are still learning each other's kissing styles, and navigating through the 'dos and don'ts’ as we grow together!
Lastly, CJ and I both wondered if it was going to be weird to just start kissing each other all of a sudden. Now that we are on the other side I can tell you The Transparent Truth: it is not weird at all. I personally feel a fantastic relief and authentic joy about the fact that I can finally express my love and emotion towards him physically without thinking twice about where we will end up. What I find most interesting is how kissing and physical intimacy now plays a critical role in our healing process when we have offended one another.
CJ and I have experienced a lot together, including some pain and suffering. Without any physical intimacy in our dating and engaged relationship, our healing process was “all natural.” It was a slow process and it often required a lot of patience, and constant monitoring. It reminded me of the way our bodies heal naturally from a wound. There is a period of inflammation, when it's red, tender, sensitive, and hurts to the touch. Just like when we are navigating through our frustration and angry emotions; we are super sensitive to every single word that we say to one another. A wound might even begin to bleed, in the same way that we may let emotions spill over into tears. With time the body heals itself from the inside out; most times you can't even tell a wound was once there. Similar to how with time, CJ and I are able to truly forgive each other for whatever offense, and move forward in our love. In marriage there is no room for bitterness to sit and fester. Being able to forgive quickly and move on is a skill you must master in order for your marriage to survive. Now that we are married, kisses are like little band-aids for us. After we have talked it out, they speed up our healing process so that we can get back to pursuing God’s purpose for our marriage!
At the end of it all, I hope that reading a little bit about our celibacy journey allows you to reflect on your past or current relationships so that you can make adjustments as necessary to positively influence your spiritual growth and relationship with God. If any other couples have any questions, comments, or points of discussion - please leave a comment below! We would also love any advice and feedback from all of the married folks out there. Thank you for reading and God Bless!
